guide, humour, Uncategorized

Snowboarding – How To


So today I went on a snow trip with my school. Being a hipster gangster bro (lol no) I snowboard, instead of skiing. All my friends ski, and always get annoyed with me for taking ages to strap in and stuff (by ‘stuff’ I mean constantly falling over, even when I’m not actually moving). So, in aid of new snowboarders and those who want to laugh at us, here is:

Loony’s Guide to Snowboarding!!

1. Prepare for the snow to whoop your butt like an over-friendly drunk guy at a party. You will fall. You will fall often. You will fall hard. Your butt will hurt. For those who aren’t aware, snowboarders spend about 30% (*cough 50*) of their time on the ground, swearing. Do not expect to be fabulous. Do not schedule tennis for the next day. DO say, ‘Sorry, becoming a unicorn is affecting my balance’ to anyone you accidentally knock over.

2. Aggravate skiiers. Always. Skiiers are the WORST. Slide over their skiis, knock them over (not the five-year-old ones obviously), and yell ‘Watch out!’ at random moments. We aren’t being mean, it’s just that skiiers are SO DAMN FUNNY when they’re on the ground. Like when you put a spider in a cup to relocate it, and it loses its mind trying to escape. Read: skiiers are like spiders.

3. Have fun. Everyone will tell you this, but they won’t tell you that a lot of your fun has nothing to do with the actual riding. My friends and I like having fun on chairlifts, yelling things at people below (skiiers). Our favourites are ‘Hey! You’ve dropped your pocket!’ Or the coy ‘Hey! Call me!’ (don’t forget the creepy smile.) Clapping for people who’ve stacked is great fun too. Or trying to get as many randoms to wave at you as possible. (My friend and I are on 63.)

What do you like doing at the snow?

Until next time,

Xx Loony

Disclaimer: I actually don’t hate skiiers that much. However, being a snowboarder requires me to heckle them at every opportunity. It’s the rules.


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