2016, humour, life, writing

New Year, Old Me

And so, 2016 is about ready to be flushed down the toilet.

I won’t whinge about how awful it was. You know how awful it was. Everyone knows how awful it was.

I’m not entirely finished being angry about the events of the year, but I am ready to climb into 2017 and dig for gold.

New Year’s Resolutions are notorious for making you feel guilty about your lack of willpower. I do it anyway, because I’m obstinate, but I’m not climbing into a new skin this year like so many try to. My skin is okay with me.

So: resolutions based on renovations, instead of knock-down-rebuild.

1. Stop apologising for my coffee order just because it’s long to say and kind of pretentious. I am a barista – it’s not actually hard to make. I’m paying for the coffee. The apology is unnecessary.

2. Stop ducking my head when I walk past people. It’s almost like I’m ashamed to look people in the eye, or ashamed of people looking me in the eye. Honestly, it probably comes off as being rude. Stop doubting that I’m worth looking at.

3. Stop swearing when I don’t need to be swearing. Like when I’m not angry, just mild annoyed. Also: improve vocabulary of angry words.

4. Start accumulating healthy self care practices. Like going for walks. Not like browsing Facebook for two hours.

5. Start showing more daily compassion. I live one time. My friends deserve to know that I love them.
I think 5 is as many as I can realistically manage. And that’s okay with me.

2017 might be shit. We can’t predict anything, really. But I’m working on me this year, and hopefully everything else will fall into place. Or it won’t, and I can practice being okay with that.

I have 11 minutes to go, and some profanities to yell into the void.

Have a very happy new year.

Xx Loony

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2016, humour

Harry Potter and Jesus: A Comparison 

Yesterday, the day of Jesus’s birth, I realised one of the most explicit, yet wholly unnoticed, parallels of all time.


Harry Potter and Jesus: A Comparison

Similarities

  • Dudes
  • Rad hair
  • Born with the expectation that they will save the world
  • No choice whatsoever over this enormous/terrifying expectation
  • Struggle with the terrible weight of this quest
  • Have a very dedicated fan club
  • Have a lot of angry naysayers
  • Died for a little bit
  • Came back stronger than before
  • Their death had serious significance to their followers
  • Had a great father figure who helped them in their quest
  • Exploited for dank memes
  • Fought dark forces
  • Had books written about them
  • Treated unfairly by the media
  • Lots of fanart
  • Life story used to educate grade 3 kids
  • Used magic
  • Had a ‘trustworthy’ bloke betray them, resulting in murder
  • Name is 5 letters long
  • Name sounds better in Spanish
  • Have a really special cup
  • Difficult circumstances early in life
  • Said a lot of stuff no one believed/listened to

Differences

  • Only one of them can fly a broomstick
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humour, Uncategorized

Alternate Swears

  • cuss
  • darn
  • heck
  • goodness
  • shut the front door
  • gosh dang it
  • stone the flaming crows
  • golly
  • oh pish
  • what the actual heckfire
  • friggin’ friggin’
  • pants

Be classy with your swears, kids.

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guide, humour, Uncategorized

Snowboarding – How To

Hiya!!

So today I went on a snow trip with my school. Being a hipster gangster bro (lol no) I snowboard, instead of skiing. All my friends ski, and always get annoyed with me for taking ages to strap in and stuff (by ‘stuff’ I mean constantly falling over, even when I’m not actually moving). So, in aid of new snowboarders and those who want to laugh at us, here is:

Loony’s Guide to Snowboarding!!

1. Prepare for the snow to whoop your butt like an over-friendly drunk guy at a party. You will fall. You will fall often. You will fall hard. Your butt will hurt. For those who aren’t aware, snowboarders spend about 30% (*cough 50*) of their time on the ground, swearing. Do not expect to be fabulous. Do not schedule tennis for the next day. DO say, ‘Sorry, becoming a unicorn is affecting my balance’ to anyone you accidentally knock over.

2. Aggravate skiiers. Always. Skiiers are the WORST. Slide over their skiis, knock them over (not the five-year-old ones obviously), and yell ‘Watch out!’ at random moments. We aren’t being mean, it’s just that skiiers are SO DAMN FUNNY when they’re on the ground. Like when you put a spider in a cup to relocate it, and it loses its mind trying to escape. Read: skiiers are like spiders.

3. Have fun. Everyone will tell you this, but they won’t tell you that a lot of your fun has nothing to do with the actual riding. My friends and I like having fun on chairlifts, yelling things at people below (skiiers). Our favourites are ‘Hey! You’ve dropped your pocket!’ Or the coy ‘Hey! Call me!’ (don’t forget the creepy smile.) Clapping for people who’ve stacked is great fun too. Or trying to get as many randoms to wave at you as possible. (My friend and I are on 63.)

What do you like doing at the snow?

Until next time,

Xx Loony

Disclaimer: I actually don’t hate skiiers that much. However, being a snowboarder requires me to heckle them at every opportunity. It’s the rules.

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