Harry Potter and Jesus: A Comparison 

Yesterday, the day of Jesus’s birth, I realised one of the most explicit, yet wholly unnoticed, parallels of all time.


Harry Potter and Jesus: A Comparison

Similarities

  • Dudes
  • Rad hair
  • Born with the expectation that they will save the world
  • No choice whatsoever over this enormous/terrifying expectation
  • Struggle with the terrible weight of this quest
  • Have a very dedicated fan club
  • Have a lot of angry naysayers
  • Died for a little bit
  • Came back stronger than before
  • Their death had serious significance to their followers
  • Had a great father figure who helped them in their quest
  • Exploited for dank memes
  • Fought dark forces
  • Had books written about them
  • Treated unfairly by the media
  • Lots of fanart
  • Life story used to educate grade 3 kids
  • Used magic
  • Had a ‘trustworthy’ bloke betray them, resulting in murder
  • Name is 5 letters long
  • Name sounds better in Spanish
  • Have a really special cup
  • Difficult circumstances early in life
  • Said a lot of stuff no one believed/listened to

Differences

  • Only one of them can fly a broomstick

The End is Nigh

So I walked out of the movie theatre the other day to find this – the entire ground was crawling with tiny, black bugs. I didn’t get close enough to have a proper look but they’re everywhere in town at the moment, and so I’m wondering if this is the end.

Are they zombie bugs?

Do they have an alterior motive, like eating our brains while we sleep?

Is this my last day on Earth before the zombie bugs take us all?

I don’t know – but I can only hope for my survival, and quote this line from Bill Vaughan:

“We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.”

Wish me luck against this creepy, crawly, army of death.

My Science Teacher Lost Me a Dollar.

This is a fun story, if you get past the bit where I lost a dollar.

 

Our science teacher is infamous for telling the worst Dad-jokes ever. Like, audible-groaning-eye-rolling-sigh-of-irritation Dad-jokes.

So, naturally, we decided to bet on it. 

There were six of us. We each put in a dollar.

We’d start the timer at a random time, so our teacher couldn’t rig it. When he told a Dad-joke, we’d stop the timer, and the person who guessed closest to that time would win.

We placed our bets. The smallest guess, 1 minute. The longest, 7.

At 12pm sharp, the time started. Two timers on two separate phones, to make sure it was fair. We were all very invested.

We stared at our teacher. We waited. 

And then: “Can you go to the bathroom? Well, there isn’t any time for a bath right now, the lesson’s almost over.”

We all screamed and laughed. The timers were stopped.

1 minute, 9 seconds.

The boy sitting in front of me, with the guess of 1 minute, took my dollar.

I haven’t forgiven my teacher. 

Science Tests Suck

Hiya!!

So I’m in science right now, and I am exceptionally bored. We just finished doing our topic test on the human body, and although I now know much more about the rectum than I ever wanted to, there were still questions on the test that I had to guess at. For some reason, teachers like to ask us about things they never told us about in the first place.

So, in recognition of that, here is a new list.

Things Teachers Do That We Wish They Didn’t Do

1. Give us assignments. Late. 
I know assignments are basically your whole job. I get it, I do. But when you give us a week to study for a big exam, or 8 days to complete an assignment, we get a little tetchy.

We are like Boy Scouts. We are big fans of being prepared.

*my science teacher is telling me that the one I guessed at required lateral thinking. I got it wrong.*

2. Ask invasive questions.

Such as, ‘why are you taking your bag to the bathroom?’

I’ve gotten his question more than once. Sometimes, a teacher will realise and apologise. That’s totally cool, thanks for that.

BUT PLEASE DO NOT STARE AT ME WHILE THE CLASS STARES AT ME, ALL SILENT, WONDERING WHY I COULD POSSIBLY BE TAKING MY BAG TO THE BATHROOM.

I don’t want to go into graphic detail (and you might know how graphic I mean), but I will do it if you keep gawking at me.

3. Dad Jokes.
Please, Mr Science Teacher, if you are reading this, stop. It’s not funny. I’m still annoyed that you lost me a dollar.

That ‘lost a dollar because of Mr Science Teacher’ story tomorrow!

Xx Loony

Thinking Dinosaur

I have a dinosaur.

 

His name is Trevor, but my dad calls him Steve. I haven’t a clue why.

 

He’s much like a support animal.

 

He’s my thinking dinosaur.

 

I managed to get through a nation-wide exam (NAPLAN, anyone?) with him on my desk.

 

I am a bit of a rebel sometimes. What with my illegal dinosaurs.

 

Funnily enough, he made the exam somewhat less awful.

 

Tiny plastic dinosaurs can do that, apparently.

I Am But A Humble Cat

sometimes i worry about things
whether same-sex marriage will ever be legal
whether feminine hygiene products will ever be GST free
and i could make myself sick over it all
but i’ll probably take a nap instead
for i am but a humble cat

sometimes i have very vocal opinions
like “can we stop with the stereotypes because i genuinely don’t mind dogs”
and “if i can have my nipples on Instragram then all women should be allowed to”
but my yowls are mistaken for cries of hunger
and so my food gets replenished
and i usually do not complain
for i am but a humble cat

often i am made sad
by the kids down the street using the ‘S-L-U-T’ word to Lexa the stray
because Tom was with Garfield and Whiskers and Tillie last week
and no one is judging him
and i’m made sad by the woman next door who isn’t spoken to by any of her neighbours
because of the colour of her skin and the lilt in her voice
even though her cat assures me she is quite lovely

i see these sad things
and i wish i could do something
but besides that, i hope you can
because as much as i want to change the world
i cannot
for i am but a humble cat

and if you disagree with me
fine
but know that you will forever be more prejudiced
than I
a humble cat.

Staplers

We are all heartless monsters. All so preoccupied with ourselves that we never consider the unsung heroes that get lonely when we are gone.

 

Our staplers.

 

They hold your papers together, making you look professional. Was it you who scored that amazing job, or was it your stapler?

They stick your posters and photos to the wall, brightening your space, making you smile when you enter a room. Is it you who is such an individual, or is it your stapler?

 

And how do we thank them?

 

By leaving them on our desks, alone and lonely, for hours on end. No one to make them feel important or loved. How would you feel?

 

So do something nice for your stapler. Let it staple some cool documents, like about spaceships or something. Give them a groovy moustache sticker.

Have some respect or your gosh darn stapler. After all, it holds your life together.

If Aliens Discovered Netflix

“Mum, what’s this on the 4D Slide Screen?”

“I don’t know, Squegtrill. It is probably picking up residual nova frequencies again.”

“Kwelgrup’s did this too. They had to get a new one, a 5D V.2 Switchback. They’re so new, all the celebrities have them. And not too expensive either.”

“We’ve had this discussion, Squegtrill. We aren’t getting a new screen until Sandy is 400. Sandy’s still got 54 Slarks to go.”

“Yeah, I know. Hey, what’s this say? ‘Pretty Little Liars?’”

“I don’t know. Try scrolling through.”

“This one says ‘Orange is the New Black.’ Looks like Uncle Grigflep’s house. But with aliens.”

“Where’s all the usual programming gone?”

“I dunno. Hey, this one’s called ‘Phineas and Ferb.’ The pictures are all… wibbly wobbly.”

“Try turning it off and on again.”

“Okay. Wait, this isn’t the usual start up menu! What’s it say? ‘Netflix?’”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s broken.”

“You know, Kwelgrup’s Slide Screen broke too, and they just bought a 5D V.2 Switchback…”

 

20 Songs, 2 Days

I have a gig.

Jokes. I’m playing my parent’s Christmas party. I’m getting paid in chicken wings.

But I do still have to learn the songs.

22. And I’m going on camp next week, so I have this weekend to learn them.

The intense bass shredding may cause my fingers to fall off.

Wish me luck.

Summer

You know it’s summer in Australia when the fam gather on the couch and the first thing you say is “don’t anyone dare touch me. It is too dang hot.”

I’m melting. Someone send help.