Tag Archives: humour

2015, poetry, Uncategorized

I Am But A Humble Cat

sometimes i worry about things
whether same-sex marriage will ever be legal
whether feminine hygiene products will ever be GST free
and i could make myself sick over it all
but i’ll probably take a nap instead
for i am but a humble cat

sometimes i have very vocal opinions
like “can we stop with the stereotypes because i genuinely don’t mind dogs”
and “if i can have my nipples on Instragram then all women should be allowed to”
but my yowls are mistaken for cries of hunger
and so my food gets replenished
and i usually do not complain
for i am but a humble cat

often i am made sad
by the kids down the street using the ‘S-L-U-T’ word to Lexa the stray
because Tom was with Garfield and Whiskers and Tillie last week
and no one is judging him
and i’m made sad by the woman next door who isn’t spoken to by any of her neighbours
because of the colour of her skin and the lilt in her voice
even though her cat assures me she is quite lovely

i see these sad things
and i wish i could do something
but besides that, i hope you can
because as much as i want to change the world
i cannot
for i am but a humble cat

and if you disagree with me
fine
but know that you will forever be more prejudiced
than I
a humble cat.

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Staplers

We are all heartless monsters. All so preoccupied with ourselves that we never consider the unsung heroes that get lonely when we are gone.

 

Our staplers.

 

They hold your papers together, making you look professional. Was it you who scored that amazing job, or was it your stapler?

They stick your posters and photos to the wall, brightening your space, making you smile when you enter a room. Is it you who is such an individual, or is it your stapler?

 

And how do we thank them?

 

By leaving them on our desks, alone and lonely, for hours on end. No one to make them feel important or loved. How would you feel?

 

So do something nice for your stapler. Let it staple some cool documents, like about spaceships or something. Give them a groovy moustache sticker.

Have some respect or your gosh darn stapler. After all, it holds your life together.

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Uncategorized

If Aliens Discovered Netflix

“Mum, what’s this on the 4D Slide Screen?”

“I don’t know, Squegtrill. It is probably picking up residual nova frequencies again.”

“Kwelgrup’s did this too. They had to get a new one, a 5D V.2 Switchback. They’re so new, all the celebrities have them. And not too expensive either.”

“We’ve had this discussion, Squegtrill. We aren’t getting a new screen until Sandy is 400. Sandy’s still got 54 Slarks to go.”

“Yeah, I know. Hey, what’s this say? ‘Pretty Little Liars?’”

“I don’t know. Try scrolling through.”

“This one says ‘Orange is the New Black.’ Looks like Uncle Grigflep’s house. But with aliens.”

“Where’s all the usual programming gone?”

“I dunno. Hey, this one’s called ‘Phineas and Ferb.’ The pictures are all… wibbly wobbly.”

“Try turning it off and on again.”

“Okay. Wait, this isn’t the usual start up menu! What’s it say? ‘Netflix?’”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s broken.”

“You know, Kwelgrup’s Slide Screen broke too, and they just bought a 5D V.2 Switchback…”

 

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Uncategorized

20 Songs, 2 Days

I have a gig.

Jokes. I’m playing my parent’s Christmas party. I’m getting paid in chicken wings.

But I do still have to learn the songs.

22. And I’m going on camp next week, so I have this weekend to learn them.

The intense bass shredding may cause my fingers to fall off.

Wish me luck.

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Summer

You know it’s summer in Australia when the fam gather on the couch and the first thing you say is “don’t anyone dare touch me. It is too dang hot.”

I’m melting. Someone send help.

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